Apocalypse:A True Story of Harry Potter & Twilight
by lovemeforalways
Summary: Apocalypse? Yeah, that's what would happen if these two stories mixed. So I'll throw them together and watch the chaos unfold! Mwahaha! Join me as I laugh mockingly!
1. The Cullens and Jacob

Hey!  
This is Jenna, and here's my HP-Twilight crossover. It's so ridiculous to mix them together, I decided to show what would REALLY happen. I guess.  
The beginning's a tad boring, but by chapter three you'll be laughing. :D

* * *

"Are you _sure_ we're going the right way?" Edward asked, for the hundredth time.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Jacob replied. Though they'd made a truce when Renesmee was born, they were still at eachother's necks every once in a while, and neither of them hesitated to affront the other.

"Because I haven't seen a highway sign in ages, and I've got _exceptional_ eyesight." Edward told Jacob.

"Edward," Bella said. "Let it go. Jacob's capable."

"Yeah, listen to Mommy." Renesmee piped up. "It's pretty outside. I like it here."

Both Edward and Bella looked lovingly at their daughter, and Jacob would have too, if he hadn't been driving.

Renesmee now looked like she could be starting school, with Carlisle estimating her age at seven and a half. Of course, they'd ruled out school-she'd have to take four grades a year, or something close to that. Plus, living with a family of vampires, most of whom had been through college several times, would be education enough.

Their family-all of it, though they'd rented separate cars-was taking a vacation in England for part of the summer. Jacob came with them, of course; he couldn't survive a month without Renesmee. They were supposed to be driving to a small plot of land-though Bella doubted it was truly small, knowing her family-that Carlisle and Esme had gotten a while back. There were several small guesthouses on the premises, in addition to a large house where an unnecessary kitchen, a living room, and a game room were.

The rest of the Cullens had decided to stay in London for a couple days, but Bella, Edward, Jacob and Renesmee had gone on alone. Alice had wished them luck, happy that now she'd be able to see her own future, at least for a while.

They were now driving through the British countryside, beautiful landscapes flashing by their window.

"Hmm…" Jacob said uncertainly. "Maybe we should go back."

"What?" Bella asked. "You only just said that we were going the right way."

"Yeah, yeah," Jake still sounded doubtful. "But I just have this feeling that we shouldn't be here…"

"Oh, for goodness sake," Edward said. "If you feel that way, _I'll_ drive."

"No, no," Jacob replied quickly. "I've got it." Edward's threat made up his mind.

Bella looked out the window, smiling in spite of herself. How she loved those two boys.

Jacob turned on the radio for music. The radio spit out a staticy sound. Jacob tuned it while driving, but nothing came in.

"Out in the middle of nowhere…" he muttered.

"Do you want music?" Renesmee asked.

Jacob grinned at her voice. "I did, but I guess I'll have to do without."

"No, you won't," Nessie said cheerfully. "_I _can sing."

Bella looked back at her daughter and began to laugh with joy when Renesmee started singing 'Twinkle, Twinkle' very loudly and dramatically. It would be an enjoyable ride.

* * *

Review!!  
Love, Jenna.


	2. Harry, Ron and Hermione

Chapter two. Um...that's all.

* * *

"You two make me sick," Harry said, rolling his eyes and Ron kissed Hermione.

"We don't say anything when you're with Ginny," Ron retorted. "And we're not snogging in front of you _all_ the time."

"Thank God," Harry muttered.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking through Hogsmeade. It was summer and the town was flourishing. Wizarding towns had been flooded after the defeat of You-Know-Who, with every wizard and witch sure of their safety. As they walked, several people on the streets waved to them and smiled. Their infamy(Harry's, mostly, though they didn't bring it up much) would live on forever. Rita Skeeter was already writing Harry's biography-though she'd been ordered not to, she was sure to get around that. But that was something for Harry to worry about later-now he was just enjoying a day in his favorite magical city with his two best friends.

Harry was staying at the Burrow mostly-though he traveled around, being completely capable of Apparation. Ron had suggested they all get out and go to visit Hogsmeade. So now they walked down the street, enjoying the breeze and atmosphere.

"Well, what should we do now?" Hermione asked. "We've been almost everywhere."

"How 'bout we visit the school?" Ron suggested.

They all agreed, so the began walking towards the Hog's Head.

Once inside the pub, they waved at several familiar faces, and made their way up the stairs. They went into the small room and opened the secret passageway behind Ariana Dumbledore's portrait.

The three friends walked through the tunnel, stooping slightly. Eventually they came to the end. They walked into the Room of Requirement, which at the time was set up like a cozy sitting room, with armchairs and a nice rug in front of a fireplace. They stretched a bit, their backs sore from bending, and then walked out the gilded door to the right, which led straight into the seventh-floor corridor they knew so well.

The reparation of Hogwarts had been no simple task. It had taken complex magic to rebuild the torn-apart sections. Since there had been so much magical wear, so many curses, jinxes, incantations and bizarre magical objects and creatures that had caused the damage, it took a lot to repair it. But with the experienced and competent teachers time and concentration, the castle was nearly completely rebuilt. It was summer vacation, but at the start of term students would arrive to be taught magic once again. Of course, there were many teacher's positions to fill…but in due time, all would fall together, especially since many wizards and witches had recently come back to the country.

Though it was summer, Harry and his friends did see some old teachers wandering around the corridors, and greeted them happily. They reached the bottom floor and went out the great doors so they could stroll around the campus. They walked on the green grass and chatted a bit, but mostly just looked out on the beautiful day. The three of them reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest and decided to sit in the shade for a while. Looking up at the white, billowy clouds and feeling the sun's rays on them, they were quite content.

* * *

Review, por favor! I won't know what to add/change if I don't get feedback! And praise is always nice :)  
3 Jenna


	3. Officially, They're Snogging

So, I got some reviews...a few, you know...but I want more!  
But this chapter's where it picks up. It's a good one.  
Mwahaha! Go read!

* * *

"You just missed the turnoff," Edward said, annoyed.

"Did I?" Jacob asked, turning around and looking confused. He didn't even notice Edward's patronizing tone. "I didn't see it."

"Didn't see it?" Edward asked, skeptical. "It was huge!"

"It was pretty big, Jake," Bella was forced to agree.

"That's so weird," Jacob muttered. "I must have been spacing out."

But Jacob knew that wasn't true. He just hadn't seen the road.

"Well, there must be a place to turn around," Bella said.

"We're in the middle of nowhere," Edward replied. "I don't know."

Edward was looking at Jacob, puzzled. Renesmee was happily listening to her MP3 player.

After driving for a few more minutes with no turnoffs, Edward sighed.

"Just pull onto the grass, here." He said. "Let's check this out on foot."

Everyone agreed, so Jacob pulled onto the grass and killed the engine. They got out of the car.

"Should we leave everything here?" Bella asked, sounding slightly nervous.

"Don't worry," Edward said. "We're the only ones out here."

So Bella took Nessie by the hand, and they began walking. If anyone else had been there, they would have ogled at the way the four of them moved, fast, but with grace.

After five minutes or so of walking, they could see a wall in the distance. Curious, they sped up and reached in no time(almost literally).

It was a tall, stone wall. It was well-built and solid, about ten feet tall. When you backed up and peeked over it, however, a forest could be seen.

"Look!" Nessie said. "Trees! I bet that's a forest! Let's go!"

Bella looked from Edward to Jacob, and then shrugged. "Okay, honey. We can go play in the forest for a while, but then we have to go back to the car to find the house."

"Okay!" Renesmee said, and then she began scaling the wall. Jacob and her parents followed suit.

Jacob reached the top first and jumped to the ground, rolling to break his fall. Nessie jumped off into his arms once she reached the top. Edward and Bella then fell off the wall with no plan in mind, but landed on their feet, completely unharmed, because they're vampires.

"So…What now?" Jacob asked, looking around. Above them was an expansive blue sky, with the occasional cloud floating in it. About fifty feet in front of them was the beginning of the forest, which got thicker further in.

"Come on!" Nessie said, wriggling from Jacob's arms and onto the ground. She ran towards the trees, motioning for the rest of them to follow her.

Since they were all so infatuated with her, they ran after her with no complaints. She got into the woods and began giggling, looking at all the trees and plants. Her parents and Jacob watched her happily.

"You can't catch me!" The little girl(little vampire? Little vamp-girl?) then exclaimed, and began to run further in, several times nearly tripping over roots and undergrowth. Playing along, the three adults(well, the super-old guy, immature but immortal teenage girl and really large teenage boy) ran after her.

Before moving on with the story, just a quick speculation-Do werewolves ever give their age in dog years? What exactly is the dog years/human years calculation, anyway? And are werewolves born with this knowledge? Okay, moving on.

So they're running through the forest after Nessie. And then they hear the little girl(still not sure if 'girl' is the right term here. Mutant? Half-blood? Haha.) gasp. Jacob, Edward, and Bella all speed up to where she is.

And there they see, 'hiding' behind a tree, a girl with bushy brown hair making out with a ginger.

Actually, since they're in England, the pair is officially 'snogging'.

* * *

Oh, snogging! England sounds like such a fantastic place.  
"I want some milk." "Well, Kyle, we all want things. "...Yeah, that's why I'm getting myself some milk."  
Oh, man. I'm so hopelessly bored, quarintined in my house all week. Take pity on me and review. You heard me, review!

Love, Jenna!


	4. Vampires!

This is gonna get crazy. Enjoy!

* * *

Bella gasped, snatched up Renesmee and covered her eyes. The ginger boy, hearing Bella, pushed the girl off of him.

"Aw, bloody hell," He said. The girl turned around to see the vampires/werewolf/mutant.

"What-" Hermione began, but Ron interrupted her.

"Who the hell are you people?"

"I'd like to ask the same question," Edward said.

"Well, you're the ones who snuck up on _us_, and you're in _our_ Forbidden Forest, so we're the ones who get to ask," Hermione reasoned.

Jacob shrugged. "That makes sense. I'm Jacob Black."

"I'm Edward Cullen. This is my wife, Bella, and my daughter, Renesmee."

Ron looked at them, raising his eyebrow. "Wife?" He asked.

"I know," Jacob said, rolling his eyes. "Tell me about it." Bella hit him.

"Damn!" Jake cried out, holding his arm. "Not fair! You're a vampire now!"

Hermione and Ron gasped. "Vampire?!" They both said, and then whipped out their wands.

"Woah," Edward said. "What are those?"

"Back away from us!" Hermione said.

"What? Why?" Bella asked.

Ron just stared at her. "Because you're vampires, you dolts! We don't want to get bitten."

"Harry!" Hermione yelled.

"We won't _bite_ you," Bella said.

Ron scoffed. "Yeah, right, and Miley Cyrus is a virgin."

Hermione looked over at Ron. "Who's Miley Cyrus?"

"Long story. My dad bought a Muggle TV."

"What are Muggles?" Renesmee asked.

"I'm here!" Harry said, coming from behind a tree. "Why are you guys here? You said you both had to go to the bathroom."

Hermione and Ron looked over at Harry. "Weren't you a tad suspicious that we BOTH had to go, and we went into the WOODS?" Ron asked.

"Oh…" Harry said. "That makes more sense. You just wanted to snog eachother's brains out."

Hermione and Ron nodded. "Now," Hermione said. "In other matters, these people are all vampires, and someone named Miley Cyrus is apparently not a virgin."

"I told you it was a long story!" Ron said, exasperated. "Wait until we're back at the Burrow, I can show you Hannah Montana on tape."

"Tape?" Harry asked.

"I'm not a vampire!" Jacob yelled.

"Vampires?" Harry said, pulling his wand from his back pocket.

"No!" Jacob exclaimed. "I'm not a vampire. Neither is Renesmee!"

"Come on!" Hermione said. "We'll help you two escape them!"

"Yes!" Jacob cried, walking towards the wizards.

"No!" Nessie yelled. "I'm not leaving Mommy!"

"Mommy?" Ron and Harry asked.

"I'm her mother," Bella explained.

"But you're a vampire!" Hermione said.

"But I was human," Bella replied.

"And I was a vampire," Edward added.

"Well, we're all wizards!" Harry yelled.

"I'm a werewolf!" Jacob said.

"Werewolf?!" Harry, Ron and Hermione said.

"Yeah, wanna see?" Jacob asked excitedly. He ran behind a tree. There was a ripping noise, and a gigantic wolf came out from behind the same tree Jacob had hidden behind.

"AHHHHHHH!" The wizards and witch yelled.

"Jake!" Bella scolded. "You're not supposed to do that when you first meet someone!"

The wolf growled back.

"I know I'm not your mother, but you need some manners!"

More growling.

"I know they said they were wizards, but that's ridiculous. Obviously we've walked in on a Dungeons and Dragons convention, and these people are just very confused. I think you should change back and leave."

"Dungeons and Dragons?" Hermione said angrily. "You bitch! Petrificus Totalus!"

Bella's spine straightened, and she slowly turned around, "What…?"

Hermione's mouth dropped open. "Why isn't she frozen?!"

Edward rushed to Bella's side. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" He asked.

"I'm so…stiff. My whole body just feels stiff."

"_Stiff?_" Hermione repeated in dismay. "Why didn't the spell take full effect?"

"Well…" Ron said. "Was your wand backwards?" He asked.

Hermione glared at him. "No, you're the only person moronic enough to pull _that_ one. The spell should have worked perfectly!"

"Spell?" Edward asked.

"Well, more of a jinx, really. But why…why can she move?" Hermione seemed close to tears.

"Well, it might be because she's a vampire."

"Vampire!" Ron exclaimed. Harry and Hermione looked at him. "Oh, we're not doing that anymore?" The red head asked. His friends shook their heads.

"Look, I think we should stay right here," Harry said, "And get someone to check out these vampires here."

Jacob barked/growled. Well, he made a wolfy noise.

"And the werewolf." Harry added.

"He's not really a werewolf," Hermione said. "He changed in broad daylight…"

"We've been over this," Edward said. "He's really more of a shape-shifter."

"You must mean an Animagus," Hermione said.

"No, a shape-shifter."

Hermione shook her head. "You're right, Harry. We need to get a professional out here."

"I'll call the Ministry," Ron said. "I have my cell phone."

"Why do you have a cell phone?" Harry asked.

"My dad bought them for the whole family. He's obsessed with them."

"That sounds like your dad," Hermione admitted.

"There's no service here…I'll BRB." Ron said, walking out of the forest.

"Bee-are-bee?" Harry asked. Hermione shrugged.

* * *

Hahaha. Miley Cyrus? Wha? Ron is so amazing.  
Get ready for MORE amazingness. I have so many ideas for this story, it's fantastic. And if you have anything, go ahead a review/PM me about it.  
Yeah! Review! Bye!

Love, Jenna!


	5. Because I'm Awesomer

"You know," Edward whispered to Bella, "We could just run for it."

Bella nodded. "We could, but I was thinking maybe they could give us some directions, since you and Jacob couldn't find the house."

Edward threw his arms up. "I don't need directions! We were doing fine!"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, dear."

"Anyway," Edward continued. "I've been reading their minds, and it seems like they really are wizards."

"How strange. My back is still stiff."

"Well, your vampirism probably shielded most of the…spell."

"I suppose," Bella replied.

Jake stepped out from behind a tree, human and shirtless.

"Eeeek!" A fangirl yelled as she ran by.

They watched her disappear. Then Jacob turned to Bella. "Why aren't you freaking out about finding out magic exists? You went crazy when you heard about werewolves!"

"But not when she found out vampires were real," Edward pointed out.

"Hmm," Bella said. "Well, I was fine with the first, not the second…I must only freak out on the even numbers."

Jacob tilted his head, considering.

"Plus," Bella added, "We're in England. Tons of crazy stuff happens here!"

Her husband and future son-in-law stared at her.

"I'm back!" Ron called as he walked up. "I called my dad and he said he'd get a professional over ASAP."

"Good," Hermione said. "We'll just have to wait here."

"Wait a minute!" Harry said. "We saw teachers in the castle-we should tell them about this! They can help us watch the vampires."

"Great idea, Harry." Ron said.

"Why don't you go find them? Ron and I can stay here." Hermione told him.

"Okay." Harry said, then turned on his heel and jogged away.

Hermione watched the four intruders talk for a moment.

"Hey," she said. "Wait a minute. How did you guys get in here?"

Edward looked up. "We climbed the wall."

"That's not possible. The protective spells should have kept you out. They only let witches and wizards in."

Bella shrugged. "We probably got around them because we're vampires."

"No," Hermione argued. "They're designed to keep evil creatures out."

"Obviously you don't know much about vampires," Edward said. Hermione scoffed.

"I know plenty about vampires! You've no idea how many books I've read on them!"

Edward sighed. "They wouldn't publish books about us, we're secret. Anyway, vampires can get through anything and have super=strong skin that'll probably reflect your 'spells'."

"It's true," Bella said. "Vampires can do pretty much anything because they're invulnerable, and awesome like that."

Hermione stared at them. "That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life. You can't just have a creature that's _invulnerable_."

"I know!" Jacob exclaimed. "It's not fair! Stephenie Meyer is out of her freakin' mind!"

Everyone turned to look at him with a puzzled expression.

"Jake, you're the one who can kill vampires."

Jake shrugged. "That's because I'm even _awesomer_."

"'Awesomer' is not a word," Hermione told him.

"Sure it is. I can kill vampires and make hordes of girls scream just by taking off my shirt. That makes me _awesomer_."

"No, you've got that wrong," Ron said. "Taylor Lautner's the one with the fantastic abs."

Now it was Ron's turn to be stared at. "Huh?" Hermione said.

"Again, you'll have to wait until we get home. I have New Moon on DVD."

Before anyone could question Ron's sexuality, several more people appeared from the forest.

"Bella! Edward! Nessie!" Esme cried, hugging her various family members.

"Yeah, thanks for the warm welcome," Jacob grumbled.

"You guys are here!" Edward said.

"Yes, here we are," Carlisle said. "Where is here, anyway?"

"You're at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Hermione said. "And with any luck, you'll all be gone soon!"

Emmett cracked up. "Hogwarts? What kind of name is that?!"

Hermione glared at him. Ron was messing with his cell phone.


	6. Ron's Sexuality

Okay, here we go! Chapter six. Read it and weep. (Hopefully at how good it is, not at how completely awful.)

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry was looking for a teacher to help them. He searched through the whole castle but couldn't find a single person.

Finally he gave up, walking outside.

And there were all the teachers! They were all carrying suitcases, and wearing Muggle clothes.

"Potter, there you are." Said Professor McGonagall. She was wearing pleated slacks and a bright orange shirt which should have been left at the thrift store.

"I'm just letting you know that all of the staff is going on a pre-term vacation."

"Vacation?" Harry asked.

"Yes, we're Apparating to a theme park. If you wouldn't mind, just keep an eye on things around here until we get back."

"But-"

"Goodbye, Potter!" McGonagall said, and then disappeared with a loud _pop!_ One by one, the other teachers followed suit, Disapparating.

Harry hit his forehead(AKA, facepalm.). Then he ran back towards the forest.

As he ran, he heard some more popping noises. He turned around to see the entire Weasley family.

"Hey!" He said.

"Harry!" Mr. Weasley said. "Ron called about some vampires, I believe?"

"Um, yeah, so why did you come?"

Mr. Weasley smiled. "Well, you see, the other day some bad brownies were passed around the Care and Control of Magical Creatures department, so they're all out. I volunteered to come instead. And since I was coming, I figured I'd bring everyone!"

"Well, great! Come on!" Harry said, turning back to the forest. Ginny came up to him and hugged him.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey, Ginny," Harry replied, taking her hand.

They got to the area of forest the vampires were in.

"It was named by the founders!" Hermione was yelling.

"Yeah, and who were they?" The big vampire asked. "The Three Stooges?"

"No! Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw-"

The big vampire guffawed. "Even better! They probably gave it a ridiculous name so people wouldn't laugh at _theirs_!"

"What's going on here?" Mr. Weasley asked.

"Weren't there more vampires before?" Harry asked.

"Yeah," Jacob replied. "Esme and Blondie went back to get the cars."

"You just let them go?" Ginny asked.

Ron shrugged. "They were going _away_."

"You have no reason to be here," Mr. Weasley said to the Cullens. "It would be best if you left before I call the authorities."

"Aren't _you_ the authorities?" Alice asked.

"Look, we're just lost," Bella said. "We need some directions."

Edward rolled his eyes. "We do _not_ need directions! I could find my way to the property with no trouble. It was _this_ oaf who couldn't figure it out!" Edward gestured to Jacob.

"Did you just call me an _oaf_?" The werewolf asked angrily.

"Yeah, I did, dog." Edward snarled, turning towards Jacob.

"Oh yeah? You wanna go, leech?"

"Wait!" Bella said. "I thought you stopped this when Nessie was born!"

"That's what she said!" George yelled. Ron started laughing.

"I thought you guys had worked out your differences," Bella said.

"Right," Jacob scoffed. "And Clay Aiken is straight."

"I love Clay Aiken!" Ron yelled. George cast a concerned glance towards his younger brother.

"You're going to be so sorry, wolf." Edward spat.

"Not as sorry as you, bloodsucker." Jacob countered.

"You know, I think I'll just call a professional." Mr. Weasley said nervously, pulling a cell phone out of his robe pocket. Mrs. Weasley pulled out her wand and put a shielding spell on all of the wizards.

"Oh-oh dear," Mr. Weasley said. "I meant to page Neil, but I think I accidentally hit 'Nymphadora'."

"Don't worry, Mr. Weasley." Harry said, watching the vampires. "It won't go through. Just send another message to Neil."

"Nah, that's okay." Said a voice from behind them. Everyone turned around, and-

There stood Tonks, with her trademark magenta hair.

* * *

Gasp! It's Tonks! But she's dead!

OMG! As I'm editing this, I see that it has 666 words, and it's named Apocalypse!! Good thing I'm writing more! Crisis averted.

Oh, Ron. He's so obviously straight, I just have fun playing around with him. Clay Aiken. Hahaha.

I hope you guys are getting as much enjoyment out of this as I am.

Love you all, hope you'll return the favor and review. :) Jenna.


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